On The Masculine Urge to Die in a Suicidal Cavalry Charge

Regarding the evolving role of men in society, toxic masculinity, the search for meaning and contrasting the merits of heroin and cocaine

More and more these days, people seem to find a strange pride in how busy they are. As if the less free time you have, the more valid you are as a person. I am no exception to this. I work a full-time job in a demanding tech industry, I am in school full time for an equally demanding STEM degree, I have an active social life with an admittedly small but close-knit group of friends, I try to read at least two books a month and I make sure to spend mindful time with my partner as even a relationship of a decade requires work to maintain. That said, a little time off for what the kids these days call “self-care” is important, too. To that end, I decided to treat myself last weekend while my partner was out of town. I wish I could say I did a yoga retreat or got caught up on my reading, but I am a man of simple tastes. I decided to take a THC edible, order a pizza and watch all of The Lord of the Rings movies in a marathon. And predictably, halfway through The Two Towers, I found myself crying. 

I am not the most emotionally expressive guy in the world, I’ll be honest. Maybe it’s my upbringing, maybe it’s the culture, but I just don’t cry very easily or often. I can count on one hand the number of times I have cried in front of other people as an adult. I don’t say this is a point of pride, but as a point of fact. That said, however, I found myself on the couch, pizza half eaten, stoned off my ass and bawling like a child when watching a movie. This wasn’t some random event, however. This part of the movie pretty much always makes me tear up at the very least. It is as reliable as Old Faithful at Yellowstone in some ways- it’s a pressure release valve for both of us.  

If you have somehow never seen The Lord of The Rings, I will give you the broad strokes of this particular story in the second edition of the trilogy, The Two Towers. Our heroes have fled the capital city of Rohan to the fortress of Helms Deep to escape the advancing armies of the orcs. They empty the whole city- men, women and children- to seek refuge from an army of 10,000 strong bent on one thing: the total destruction of their people. Helms Deep is a fortress built into a mountain with impenetrable walls where a band of mere hundreds could defend against any force. I won’t spoil the whole movie but suffice to say that those who built the walls never planned to contend with a wizard and the black arts of industry. The walls fell and the armies of monsters poured through and it seems that our heroes were doomed.  

Here is where the tears start for me. An unfamiliar and uncomfortable sensation of pressure is behind my eyes. The forces of humanity try desperately to barricade the doors, but a horde of enemy soldiers keep beating against the doors like a black tide against the shore- collapse is inevitable. The camera cuts to the women and children who are hiding defenseless in the tunnels below the fortress. If the men can’t hold, then not only are they doomed, but so are all their loved ones. There would be no one left living to fight another day. Now, the tears are forming behind my eyes, relentless in their effort to break through as the Orcs are to breach the gates of Helms Deep. Theoden, the king of Rohan, looks at the death and destruction of his people that is imminent and the hordes of creatures bent solely on their destruction and asks to no one in particular: “So much death. What can men do against such reckless hate?” Tears start to flow as the orcs begin to break down the doors. 

Then, Aragorn, the hero of the story, confronts Theoden and looks him in the eyes and replies with four simple words. “Ride out with me.”.  Theoden looks confused at first, but his look of despair turns to determination. “Ride out and meet them,” Aragorn presses on. If they can buy time, the women and children can have a chance to escape. It will be suicide- but it will save the ones they love. One last charge to turn the tide. Theoden rallies his troops and prepares to throw open the gate with a final speech “For wrath and ruin, and the red sun rises!” The horn of battle sounds and our heroes ride out to their death but filled with purpose, even as they know they will die, the orcs seem to be filled with fear in the light of the righteous anger of men who have everything to lose and everything to live for who still choose to lay down their lives for something greater than themselves. As the gates of Helms Deep burst open, so do I burst into tears moved by such a display of heroics and selflessness. What is more, the selfless actions of our heroes does more than buy time for their loved ones- it buys enough time for reinforcements to arrive and the tide of the battle is turned. The day has been won and a people saved because the actions of one brave man. 

This is a scene that has affected me since I first saw this movie in the theater over twenty years ago. Since then, there have been many such scenes that have affected me in the same way. It is a trope as old as storytelling itself- “you go, I’ll hold them off” our hero will yell to his friends knowing he will die but live on in the hearts and minds of the people he loves. The dramatic, suicidal cavalry charge is even ingrained into American mythology in the tale of “Custer’s Last Stand.” General Custer would also die in a final cavalry charge that he knew he would not survive. In America, and the traditional stories of the world at large, we have always venerated men who are willing to die for a cause greater than themselves. 

It is worth noting that I do specifically say “men.” This isn’t to say there have not been stories that venerate women that do the same thing or notable real-life examples, but there is something about this trope that seems to appeal specifically to the male psyche. This brings to mind a meme I saw years ago (pictured below). It reads “every man has two fantasies” and shows two images. One is the trope I have describes above- a band of brothers holding strong against forces that will surely kill them but they hold, nonetheless. The other is a man being held by a woman who is hugging him while he cries and telling him he doesn’t need to be strong anymore and that he’s a good boy. I remember this meme striking me and sticking with me. I think it’s because it speaks to two paths that a man can take when it comes to traditional, masculine gender roles. The first, an honorable soldier’s death, is the logical conclusion of this trope- you will burn bright and hot and be remembered as a hero for all time in the world that you leave behind. The other is its complete subversion- you give up on death and glory in order to seek refuge in the caring arms of a woman. You live on without committing any great deeds, but you will do so in comfort. I do remember seeing some discourse about this meme at the time regarding how it is sexist for implying a woman needs to do the man’s emotional labor, but I think that misses the forest for the trees- the woman is as incidental as the battle, it is what they represent. Do you want to strive for the masculine ideal or completely give up on it? 

I think this meme perfectly captures where men are now in modern culture. Since the ascendancy of women in the workplace, the role men have traditionally had in society has changed. We were once called upon to be providers and protectors who would work for a family to keep them provided for and safe. But since women entered the workforce and no longer need a man in the material sense, the dynamics have changed. I think this has been a good thing overall- not only did it free women from potential abuse they may suffer from men who would leverage that position of power against them, it freed men up to be more than just a provider or beast of burden. But if this was so good and there is more freedom and gender roles are less defined, why are gender wars at a fever pitch two generations after this change? 

If you want answers, there are many in the media landscape. Internet communities, academics, journalists and charismatic public figures have all had their say. In the past ten years or so, the gender wars have gone from cold to hot in many cases. There are many other facets and particular issues that women face, but I honestly don’t think I am the one to address them. And if I am being completely honest, I don’t think it’s needed. For better or for worse, feminism has been a force for more than just material equality, it has been a philosophy of how a woman lives in the world, relates to it and even what it means to be a woman. There has not, however, been a movement for men that does the same. So, we as men are left with the question- what does it mean to be a man? What is our role in society? Where do we fit in now that we are not needed in the same way that we once were, strictly speaking? For the most part, I see the paths offered as variations of the theme of the two paths in that meme. Will you try to cling desperately to the gender roles of the past? Or will you give it all up and scorn them? 

One of the main voices in media that have addressed this is a Canadian psychologist and social media superstar named Jordan Peterson.  . Peterson first came into prominence in 2015 in a controversy at a Canadian university regarding the compelled use of pronouns for transgender people. No matter how you feel about the issue itself, Peterson came away from those altercations looking much better than his critics for no other reason than keeping his cool, being calm and not reacting to the shrieking, angry protestors. Peterson was able to parlay this into a media career and went on to publish his bestselling book “12 Rules for Life”. In this book, he gave advice such as “clean your room, bucko!” and “stand up straight with your shoulders back!” . Some may say this advice is banal, but I think the reason it was successful was the same reason he was initially successful in his encounters with protesters- he has an undeniable air of a stern, but caring father figure. 

As a result, he became particularly popular with young, directionless men. He went on to be something of a sensation on the cultural right, appearing on popular podcasts like “The Joe Rogan Experience.” He sold out speaking tours and became an academic rockstar. The more successful he became, the more his critics seethed and the attacks on him became more vicious and personal. In 2019, however, Peterson was admitted to a hospital to detox for an addiction to prescription drugs- benzos, to be exact. At that time his critics had a field day. This man wants you to get your life together but he’s an addict. How can you take anything he says seriously? Surely, his opinions on politics and gender are equally wrong.  

I will admit, at this time I was much more on the cultural left. Deep into it, in fact. I mentioned it in an older article, but at the time I was a terminally online leftist. I am somewhat ashamed to admit it, but at the time I was one of those people who was happy to see Peterson fall. I was deeply on the side of those who saw gender and gender roles as inherently oppressive and those who tried to hold them up were living in the past and morally wrong. Peterson was a hypocrite and the men who found solace in what he said were some kind of losers or potential mass shooters. Right?  

Well, life isn’t always that simple. 2020 was a year of reckoning in many ways. I have written about my political shift before, but for the purposes of this article I will just say that I had to rethink most of my positions. I was no longer left wing in the orthodox sense, but the right wing still didn’t appeal to me. I was searching for answers and meaning in a world that no longer made sense. I got an answer in a place that I did not expect. When talking to my little sister, I was surprised to hear her recommend Jordan Peterson. Really? The sexist lobster guy? At the time, my little sister was even more of a bleeding-heart leftie than I was. So, as you can imagine, I was pretty taken aback. But I loved my sister and was willing to hear her out. She talked about how, amongst other things, Peterson’s works helped her overcome addiction. How taking responsibility gave her meaning and purpose. I was skeptical, but after another similar conversation with another friend who I respected and knew wasn’t some woman-hating trans-basher, I gave Peterson a chance. After all, strange times create strange allies, right? 

I am not going to say I read “12 Rules for Life” and my life dramatically changed. It’s a pretty decent self-help book, particularly if (like me at the time) you have never been to therapy. There were a few nuggets that stuck with me, but a lot of it was fairly generic. Honestly, I think he could have been cut down to a tight “7 Rules for Life” but hey, I’m not his editor and I’m not going to throw stones from the window of my glass house about rambling. The one thing that did strike me from his works was how he advised people to take on as much responsibility as they possibly could. This is advice that ended up, much like Peterson himself, eventually landing me in the hospital.  

I won’t go into specifics since this isn’t that kind of blog, but I spent much of my life leading up to 2020 running away from responsibility. I was in my late 20’s, but in a lot of ways I was living a life of perpetual adolescence. I neglected family ties because they were difficult to resolve. I neglected my mental health because it was easier to push it down and pour whiskey on the festering wound. My career was stagnant, and I stayed at entry level positions long after I should have moved on. My relationship with my partner also stagnated and problems mounted but I did not address them. 

2020 may have been a bad year for the world, but the 18 months or so between early 2021 and mid-2022 were probably the worst years of my life personally. In this short period, I lost my home due to a mouse infestation, my partner had a miscarriage, I took my career seriously that resulted in regular 50-60 hour days, worked on my education and got several industry certifications, started going to therapy, moved three times, my partner had mental health issues that landed her in in-patient care, a family member died and we had to stage an intervention for another family member. I had a lot of responsibility that came on in a very short period of time. My time on pleasure island had ended and I was in the belly of the whale, as Peterson put it. But I think of it in another way. I had rejected the soothing heroin drip of the rejection of the masculine ideal for the pure, Colombian cocaine of the fulfillment of the masculine ideal. It helped (or hurt, depending on your perspective) that I was literally on uppers at this time. Prescription uppers, mind you, but still uppers. An ADHD diagnosis scored me some methylphenidate and my highest dosage was 37 milligrams a day. If you are not familiar with drug doses, that’s a lot. I had a lot to deal with and a lot of people that depended on me and it worked, for a while. My life did improve and I didn’t let the people around me down. But nothing lasts forever.  

At the end of 2021, I was unwinding after a long day of work and studying. I had flown back into town earlier that day after spending a week in Arizona for work. During that time I had done my routine of 10 hour days and then getting drunk and ordering takeout- hey, they were paying for my meals, it’s wasting money to not get 50 bucks worth of pizza and wings, right? I was experiencing chest pains that I had been ignoring for months. My partner had wisely told me to go the doctor, but I unwisely ignored her. Who had time for something like that? Besides, I have already overcame a lot, I am in control of my body, it doesn’t control me!

As it turns out, that was not the case. I had taken 20-30 milligrams of THC gummies and had a few drinks to unwind. The equivalent of 4-6 shots. This may seem like a lot- and it is- but for me it was pretty normal at the time. I was treating my body like I was driving a stolen car. But eventually, either the cops catch you or you crash the car. That night, I crashed hard. Shortly after taking the THC gummies I started feeling some pains in my heart. I ignored it, this wasn’t the first time this had happened and it usually went away. This time, however, it kept getting worse. This was a pain that I had never felt before. I had gotten pretty good at ignoring pain over the years, in fact I think a big part of my success was my ability to ignore pain- physical, mental and emotional. This time, however, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Beyond the physical (which was intense), there was something new- an existential pain that comes with the realization that you had finally pushed yourself too far. That night, I thought I was going to die.  

My partner took me to the urgent care facility that night. My heart was beating out of my chest- I was having a heart attack at the age of 30. They admitted me and I was in a haze. I prayed to God for the first time in a decade asking that if I got to live, I would change my ways. Later I found out that it wasn’t a heart attack, but a panic attack. The THC gummies were a factor, but at that point in my life the dosage was negligible, and I had taken much more. The real issue was that I had been running myself ragged for years and only kept myself running with a series of uppers (with additional caffeine well beyond what was healthy) and knocking myself out with alcohol and cannabis to compensate. This worked for a while, and I had made a lot of positive changes. I was successful in my career and was taking on responsibilities that I had neglected for years. It wasn’t enough, though. Or maybe it was too much. My life had become one long, suicidal cavalry charge. But the thing about cavalry charges is that eventually, you have to stop. You either win or you die. I didn’t die, but I sure did come to a screeching halt.  

This is when I realized that the masculine ideal I was trying to live up to was as much of a dead end as the rejection of it had been. I am not sure if it is biological or something instilled by culture, but people- particularly men- need a purpose. As Friedrich Nietzsche once said “A man who has a ‘why’ can bear almost any ‘how’” and I think that is true. We long to be heroes, but there aren’t battles with easy black and white good and evil like in Lord of the Rings anymore. We want to sacrifice for something greater than ourselves, but in a postmodern world full of complications, nuance and strife it’s not that easy anymore. I think that is why so may young men (myself included) secretly or openly want to go to war. Life is complicated, but there is something seductive about the seeming simplicity of war. At the very least, there is the black and white of one side shooting at you and one side that doesn’t. But if you look at history or even recent events, not only is it not that simple, but it is also destructive- potentially in a world-ending way.  

But what can we do with this urge? Is there a way to salvage traditional masculine ideals? There have been many who have bemoaned these ideals and how harmful they can be to both men and women when this urge is misdirected or co-opted by bad actors- this is what feminist scholars have called “toxic masculinity.”. In a lot of ways, I think they have a point. There are endless examples of this desire being used in destructive ways. Where they fail, however, is not having anything to replace it with. If you want to look at the masculine ideal as a drug, it’s like an upper. Meth, cocaine or (in my case) prescription pills can get the job done- you feel like you can do anything when you’re on them. However, as any addiction specialist will tell you, it’s not enough to go cold turkey. There needs to be something you replace it with. And having read a lot of feminist literature and discourse, for the most part all they offer is platitudes that go nowhere and offer nothing but scorn or condescension. That is why I believe figures on the cultural right like Jordan Peterson will always be popular- they offer the narrative that young men can be heroes and conquerors. And hey, between the ideological equivalent of pure, Colombian cocaine and the ideological equivalent of telling an addict that they are bad people for wanting their fix and that they should just drink a glass of water and go to bed I don’t think it’s a mystery why so may choose to go the way of Peterson. Of course, there are always teetotalers, evangelical former addicts and the seductive draw of being a moralizing nag that we see on the cultural left, but this is not a long-term solution. And after all, most addicts will relapse eventually.  

So, as Lenin once posited, “what is to be done?” What can we do with young men that are starving for purpose and all that is offered to them is reactionary sensationalism and shrill moralizing? What can we do to find a place in society again? We are living in unprecedented times of instability and fear. You don’t have to be a historian to know that societies with an excess population of young, angry men with no hope, no prospects for the future and who are desperate for a purpose almost never ends well. From the Vikings to the Taliban, there have always been outlets for these types of men to find purpose. I am not saying we are going to see an American Taliban, but we are seeing more and more instances of isolated, individualized violence- I wrote about it here if you want to read more. At the very least, we are seeing more and more young men totally checking out of society as a result. This is having many repercussions, social, political and economic, and it is becoming a bigger and bigger problem. I am not going to pretend I have a political solution. I am not even sure where to begin there. I do, however, have a spiritual solution. An answer to the masculine urge to die dramatically in a suicidal cavalry charge, as it were. 

There is another movie that contains this trope. In the 2003 film “The Last Samurai,”, Tom Cruise plays former U.S. Army officer Nathan Algren. Algren is a veteran of the American Indian wars. He is traumatized by the atrocities that he witnessed and committed and at the time of the start of the film he is a washed up alcoholic and professional sharpshooter in a Buffalo Bill style traveling circus that fetishizes the same wars of western expansion that traumatized him. Forced to live every day as the living contrast between the ideals he embodies to the audience and his knowledge of the truth, Algren is bitter and resentful. His reputation is still so strong, however, that the Imperial Japanese Meiji government would seek him out in order to train their soldiers in modern military techniques in order to fight a rebel army of samurai. Algren found himself yet again on the side of an imperialist force putting down an army of natives but with no other options, he took the offer. 

Algren goes to Japan to train the army, but the training was cut short due to an attack by Katsumoto (played by Ken Wantanabe), the samurai warlord leading the rebellion. Algren’s troops with minimal training in modern combat are no match for the well-oiled fighting machine of the samurai. In this battle, Algren is captured. He is not killed, however. He is forced to live amongst the Japanese people in a traditional mountain village. He begins to speak to Katsumoto and learns that he is an honorable man. Katsumoto reveals that he would gladly lay down his life if the emperor commanded it, but he could not give up his way of life as the new Meiji government desired. The new regime wanted to modernize Japan at all costs, and this meant the destruction of the samurai and their way of life. In their discussions, Algren told Katsumoto the stories of General Custer and his Last Stand at the battle of Little Bighorn . Katsumoto was impressed, but Algren rebuked him, saying Custer was an egotistical madman in love with his own legend. That wasn’t worth dying for, Algren reasoned. 

Over the course of a year, Algren began to gain a respect for the Japanese, the samurai and their way of life. He began to learn the language, their customs and see the value in the traditional way of life and what the samurai were trying to uphold. As he began to accept their way of life, the village began to accept him. When the winter ended and Katsumoto went to battle with the forces of the Imperial Meiji government, Algren went with them- but on their side. He would raise a sword against the men he trained. Katsumoto, Algren had found, was no Custer. This was something worth dying for. The battle began, but the troops of the Meiji forces were no longer inexperienced peasants given guns weeks before their first battle- they were now a well-oiled, modern fighting machine as well. The samurai fought bravely, but in the end they were no match for modern weapons. The Meiji forces unveiled their trump card- the gatling gun.  

Once again, I found myself watching a scene where doomed men charged into certain death for an ideal. Once again, I was gripped with emotion and the longing for something I couldn’t quite place. This time, however, things were different. This wasn’t the last charge of the battle of Helms Deep- there were no reinforcements coming. These men charged not into faceless, inhuman monsters, but into a storm of lead that sprang from gatling guns. Tradition and honor clashes with the very forces of modernity and technological progress. It was no longer a battle, but a slaughter. It seemed that even the operators of the weapons knew that this was wrong- the battle was won and the samurai were defeated. But the samurai kept coming so the soldiers kept shooting. This was until one of the Japanese soldiers called off the attack, tears in his eyes. The day was won and no amount of bravery and honor could stand up to the forces of modernity and progress. 

In a way, I understood them. I can’t help but sympathize with the sentiment that it is better to die for an ideal than to continue on living in a world where that ideal is no longer valued. It is hard not to valorize those who are willing to make that sacrifice. We now cut back to the battlefield where the samurai are now riddled with bullet holes, still attempting to continue their charge but they were now all dead or dying. Algren finds Katsumoto on the battlefield, on death’s door. Katsumoto dies in Algrens arms and Algren survives a changed man. He now had more than just something to die for.  

At the end of the film, Algren is brought to the young emperor Meiji, defeated. Meiji, however, still respected Katsumoto and Algren. He was a young man forced to make difficult decisions for his country. He had to oversee his country leave its traditions behind to avoid being overcome by other modern nations. He saw the value of the new ways of the West and the power of their technology. Perhaps he was merely being manipulated by wealthy industrialists like the film suggests or perhaps he was wiser than he was given credit for. Perhaps he did not want to see his whole country suffer the fate Katsumoto had suffered for his inability to adapt to a new world. In any case, Meiji still seemed enamored with Katsumoto- the last samurai- and recognized the great honor and courage his actions required. He asked Algren, in English, to tell him how Katsumoto died. Algren refuses, instead replying “I will tell you how he lived.” 

Maybe this is the solution. In our modern world, there aren’t often the easy enemies of hordes of inhuman orcs that one can set oneself against in an uncomplicated conflict. The modern world is a complicated place with complicated problems that defy easy answers. We all, and men in particular, still want and need a narrative. We all still need to be the heroes of our own story. More often than not, men today find themselves in the shoes of Emperor Meiji- at a crossroads between the paths of modernity and tradition. Our struggle is not one of heroes against villains, but the internal struggle what kind of person you want to be. If you want to check out and numb yourself with pleasure there are endless options for that. You can be a passive coward and merely exist in blissful ignorance. If you want to be a hero, there are endless unscrupulous forces that will take advantage of that desire. But as I learned, this urge is not enough in and of itself. You will find yourself misused and charging into the line of fire of a gatling gun one way or another.

So, I say Nathan Algren is the hero that we should strive to be in the modern day. Acknowledge the value of the past and the values that it represents. As Emperor Meiji says, “Do not forget who you are and where you come from.” Acknowledge that this is a desire that exists within you. Do not, however, let it consume you. Do not live your life like you are constantly on a suicidal charge into the future. I know firsthand where that can lead you. I can’t tell you what that will mean for you and what it will look like, but I can tell you that it’s always important to realize you must keep on living. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do think things are going to get very difficult within our lifetime. We will likely live to see events that will change the world for generations to come. Our age is going to need heroes, but dying for a cause isn’t going to be enough- we will need those who are willing to live for one.